Pool of Drool

It's that "secret" occurrence again. 

I fall into a coma that started out as a simple, innocent nap and come to a rude awakening of my mouth open and drool that seeped out into a miniature puddle of embarrassment.

And this isn't something that just started since I added working late hours into the mix of my collegiate life. This is something that has been a part of my life as far back as scheduled nap times. It seems to be a routine that has followed me in various places on various occasions.

In the beginning, it started out on the ever infamous mats in pre-school. No, they weren't taken out for a juvenile yoga army training. They were taken out for those times when we didn't appreciate the value of a nap. It was a surrender of our little bodies and burnt out energy to kid dreams of go-carts and Skittles. But shortly after those animated dreams I'd wake up to the "pool of drool". It was discovered by me, of course, and my pre-school teacher, as well. And I am sure she saw the pool of drool more than a nurse in a retirement home. So for the time being, I was socially accepted in the napping world.

It then graduated to a time where I would fall for those much needed dozes during my high school years. I'd come home from the stressful, hormonal enduring days and pass out on the recliner. Head back, neck bent like a surrealist painting by Salvador Dali and mouth propped open like an open bird feeder. Not only would I wake up to the saliva marsh but I'd also wake up to a flash of light and snickering from my older brother. He accumulated an entire album of me napping in the most awkward and embarrassing positions. And if he was crafty, I'm sure he would have made a nifty scrapbook to show any future boyfriends. It was official. I had entered the napping world at a young age and found myself in the outcast corner as a teenager.

But lately, I'll fall asleep fully clothed on my bed covered in piles of clean clothes that I  justify as a "companion" instead of putting them away. And it seems to come in many forms. School induced, food induced, emotion induced, drunk induced (a popular favorite) and sick induced. My eye lids will succumb to the gravity of invisible, forceful weight and within the first 30 minutes my mouth will pop open like someone pushed a button designed to do just that. I open my eyes, close my mouth and wipe away the dream dribble as an accepted routine in my life.

I know I will never be able to escape the dead-to-the-world naps and their partner in crime, Dr. Drool. I know I will awaken to it when the kids are screaming and I desperately try to get some shut-eye. I know I will meet it face-to-face when I come home from a long day at work. This will inevitably continue to occur into my late 90s when my grandkids visit me and giggle quietly at Grandma Colleen passed out on the rose embroidered recliner. But as an experienced napper, I am okay with this and welcome it with open mouth.

The Onion inspired article

State officials in Florida issue "Age Decals"

February 15, 2011

ORLANDO--The Traffic division for the state of Florida has issued a new policy on all cars, age decals. An "age decal" is a sticker that must be placed on all cars that states the driver's age, clearly, and be updated within 1 week of a new age.

In order to receive the age decal, a resident of Florida with a driver's license must present his or her birth certificate to any local DMV. The cost of the decal is $45.50 and comes in an assortment of appealing colors of the driver's choice. The decal must be purchased and placed on the back of the car next to the left of the vehicle's license plate within the week of the driver's birth date. Failure to do so will consequent in a fine of $91.00, double the amount of the actual decal.

"This should speed up the process for many drivers on the roads in Florida and improve an officer's judgement on when he or she should pull the traffic violator over. To put it simple, I don't know why I didn't think of it 10 years ago", says Officer Brantley of Orange County.

Officer Brantley has been on the force for the past 24 years and is almost a Deputy of his division. Brantley feels that with this new age decal policy, he'll be able to achieve that title within as little as 3 weeks.

"With these decal stickers, I'll know the reckless, the slow and the green horns," said Brantley. "Hell, I'll catch 'em all before they even know they are violating the law."

Designed not only to enforce the law at a more efficient status, the new policy will also protect the drivers of the road. The age decal permits the knowledge of knowing how the driver next to them will perform on the road.

Nancy Gardner, 32, of Orange County is thrilled with the course of action. "I just can't wait to be able to pass through traffic and not get so angry anymore," Gardner states. "My anger management therapist thinks this will help with my 'road rage' because I can legitimize substantial reasons for terrible drivers."

With the new policy being heavily advocated by law enforcers and even the drivers of the road themselves, Florida is expecting great things to come from the age decal.

--Colleen Ladd

The Chicken, the Egg, the Male and the Female

As kids we go from asking, "Was it the chicken or the egg that came first?" to "Was it the female that started the viscous cycle of heartache or was it the male?" For many cases, my personal vote lies with both the female gender and the male gender. Women hurt men in the beginning and then men keep the cycle turning by choosing to harbor their hearts away from the detrimental dent on their young egos. And as women, we don't want to admit that we, as a unit, initially caused the heartache that we will endure for years until we find that one guy. The one who decides to throw out the conditioned idea that all men need to put forth an ego of concrete to be a true "man".

        There is no weaker sex. There shouldn't need to be a distinction of that. We, as both females and males, are constantly trying to make sure that we are "wearing the pants" or have the imaginary "upper hand". We are both at default to the issue. Why do we need to control something that is best not controlled, that is best when nature takes it's course and the idea of love isn't what we define it to be but defines itself over the journey together as two people in love? When we forfeit ourselves to that other person and the other person does that in return, we can truly be ourselves and vanquish all expectations and replace it with hope, faith, and unconditional love. This is a constant factor, even when we are establishing relationships as children. No one wants to admit he or she is weak, that he or she is subject to vulnerability. The denial that takes place in all of this is what truly sets us apart from what we think we deserve in life to what we will find out through personal liberation. When had denial ever given us the satisfaction of a positive result?

       In any given case, denial has always taken the role of the bad guy. But through the processes of coming to any positive result we must acknowledge the step of acceptance. The acceptance of who we are, staying true to how we feel and following those feelings to come to the greatest things and the greatest moments we will ever know. So when it comes to the chicken and the egg and the female and the male and who committed the crime first, we'll find that the fight over what the answers are distract us from the realization that we see with more concise and love with more clarity without those answers.